How to Forgive
Whether you believe in God or not, this how-to advice really works for both opinions. Please read on regardless.
Forgiveness is the best and hardest thing we ever do. For an atheist, an agnostic or someone who cannot fathom what God has to do with forgiving our enemies, suffice it to say that forgiveness is good for YOU. For disciples of Christ, it is the foundation of our relationship with Father God. It’s the reason for our faith in Jesus. It’s the consistent necessity in our relationship with the Holy Spirit.
You might think that everyone has a fundamental understanding of forgiveness – the why and the how to – but amazingly enough it’s not that simple. We tend to get all tied up in our feelings about the matter and everything we try to examine through the lens of our emotions gets thoroughly and hopelessly tangled.
The why part of forgiveness is easy to understand. It’s good for you (yep, bitterness eats at YOUR soul); it’s beneficial for society (yep, less bitterness=less anger=less violence=calmer world); God says so (yep, it’s required of Jesus Freaks); it displays in us the nature of God to unbelievers (yep, it’s our job, Christians, to re-present Jesus to the world). There is just no upside to unforgiveness. I can’t quote the source, but I have heard that unforgiveness is like drinking poison every day and waiting for someone else to die from it…
The how-to part of forgiveness is also easy to understand - just do it. But where it gets hard is in following through with it. But let’s face it - whenever we are hit by memories of these crimes, we get bombarded by our feelings. As with so many other issues in human life, we grade these assaults according to our own personal standard of ‘what is acceptable’ behavior. For example, if I establish a ‘transgression against me’ scale of 1 to 10 where annoyed is a 2, embarrassed is a 4, disgusted is a 6, wounded is an 8, and enraged is a 10, disrespectful comments about the size of my clothes could rate a 4 and betraying my confidence could net you a 7, but violence against my person is a totally unforgivable 10. The single factor that determines the grade is the emotional response.
Therein lies the rub. Most of us who struggle to forgive just want to feel better. We want to cease being troubled by the way the emotions surrounding these abuses upset us. It is grueling to be angry and troubled and constantly battling the aggravation of things we believe are beyond our control. But here’s the happy answer: it doesn’t have to be this way. It is possible, though not without effort, to gain control of the situation. Eliminate your scale (like God does) and cultivate universal forgiveness. That way nothing is unforgivable and your response to the situation becomes controllable.
Here are some truths about forgiveness that are essential to gaining that control:
1. Forgiveness is a decision, not an emotion. It is a free-will commitment to bear without malice the painful consequence of an offense against you. Believers get to ‘charge it’ to Jesus. Romans 12:17-21
2. Forgiveness is validating anger but denying its power by revoking revenge. Anger only controls us if we let it – don’t feed it. Abusers only control us if we let the fantasy of retribution consume us – don’t dwell on it. Believers know that in the end, all are judged by a just and righteous God. Revelation 20:13
3. Forgiveness is controlling your focus, not forgetting a memory. It is a free-will choice to concentrate on things that are beneficial to serenity and strengthening your mental boundaries against the reminders of the injury. Believers get to direct their thoughts to the beauty of life with God to come. Philippians 4:8
4. Forgiveness is accepting what has happened, not excusing a behavior. It is acknowledging, not bearing responsibility for, that which you don’t have the power to change. Believers understand that God uses everything that happens to fashion and mold us into powerful witnesses that testify to His boundless mercy and grace. We don’t have to understand the why of it to have faith in Him. 1 Corinthians 10:13
5. Forgiveness is a constant endeavor, not just a one-time decision. It is a mental resolution to pardon, repeatedly, for the rest of your life, those offenses that corrupt your soul with bitterness and anger. Continual forgiveness is the only way to have continual relief from the chaos of uncontrolled emotion. Believers know that we are to forgive ’70 times 7’ because God forgives according to the measure we forgive. Matthew 18:21-22
6. Forgiveness relies on your actions, not contingent on the offender’s repentance. It is not based on mutual resolution – without an apology or even an admission of guilt from the perp you can forgive and be free. You can hope for it, but don’t expect it. Believers are encouraged to reconcile where it is possible. (An offense that remains unresolved between believers exposes a serious lack of understanding about the nature of forgiveness and hinders our testimony for Jesus.) Colossians 3:13
7. Forgiveness restores your strength. When you choose to repay a transgression with decent behavior you reclaim dominion over the malicious influence. They no longer have any power to control your feelings. There is also a bonus in robbing the culprit of their ability to justify their appalling conduct. Believers know that we are never alone in suffering. God’s everlasting arms are beneath us. Jesus walks beside us. Holy Spirit is in us. The Lord shares every pain we feel and sheds every tear with us and promises that our anguish never goes unnoticed. Romans 8:28
It's hard enough to manage life while being insulted and injured in so many little ways throughout a day. It’s even harder to navigate when traumatic, catastrophic, and life-altering events change the very rhythm of our day to day. Basically, dealing with the effects of the horrifying cruelty of which human beings are capable of perpetrating upon one another is exhausting and overwhelming. Living with unforgiveness is hard.
It requires resolve and daily commitment to cultivate a mindset of forgiveness. Not only is it a check to our pride but it can take a reassessment of some of our most fundamental ideas like blame and guilt and vengeance and justice. It may be difficult to start the process, but it does get easier. Just don’t misconstrue that to forgive and reinforce that decision daily can also be hard.
You can choose your hard.
I advocate forgiveness. Not only because God basically commands it, (and I am a disciple of Christ) but I know from personal experience that I am a happier, stronger, and calmer person as a direct result of developing an attitude of forgiveness. Is it easy? Not always, but my father’s advice prevails – ‘Make a habit of doing stuff you know you should do but don’t want to do and it becomes automatic.’ A recent study showed that it took anywhere from 18 days to 254 days for people to form a new habit. Decide today to forgive, and if it doesn’t work, email me in 255 days and we will talk again.
<>< Cass 3/10/2022
PS My funny, salty, beloved father went on to be with Jesus two years ago today. He loved saying that it was a bona fide fact that life was hard, but you make it harder when you choose stupid. I wouldn’t call anybody stupid (that I couldn’t personally verify) but it is, in my opinion, self-defeating to choose the bitter existence of unforgiveness. Don’t delude yourself by thinking it doesn’t color your every relationship. Choose peace.
And just as a testament to my father’s acerbic wit and fabulous advice, I still, after 45 years of living away from his home, have the habit of unloading the dishwasher every morning and loading it last thing every night. Thanks, Daddy. 😊
